Lost

So lost I cant even start. Do I write about hope? Love? Loss? Truth be told, I miss him. He almost killed my spirit, what I once that was so strong and yet I miss him.

I keep trying to tell myself its not my business anymore, that I need to move on and yet there is a secret tiny place in my heart that holds on to hope, someday, he will change. He emails me everyday. Why?
As for love, I am just connected to him. I feel him, I yearn for him and I can not even tell you why.
Loss, I lost a big fucken hand, I gambled on a risky bet and almost lost it all. In the end I only lost him, I needed to loose him. But he wont go away, he wont dissapear. I am so lost.

New Year Coming

Ready for this year to end, dusting myself off and trying to stay optimistic about humanity and about my future. Got the wind knocked out of me again, attempting to catch my breath, wondering all the while, if its even worth it.
I had a dream yesterday that I was in the waters of Hawaii, the waves were overwhelming and consuming but somehow I managed to stay above the water and ride the waves. It was not a smooth ride but none the less, I never went under.